Fear!

Fear--not supposed to have fear...supposed to trust in God...but I fail miserably at lots of those 'supposed tos' and right now, this PMS week, fear is one of them. Only fear of Cory though...nothing else phases me and I can trust in the Lord for everything else...I guess because everything else is fine at the moment.. thus no need to have fear. But, when Cory now has pain in his back and front hip and back buttock and caught another cold (or allergy or ??) and now has this grunting, gasping, gurgling, grunting x4 sequence going on whenever he tries to talk, I just think 'overload, too much, can't take anymore...HELP!!' Really, a person can only take so much sometimes. And with all that has gone on with the Haiti earthquake, the dolphin movie I just saw, all injustices out there, I am just weaker in resolve at the moment.

Now, I am at a crossroads, whether to take Psalm 118.8 literally or not. Ughh...I struggle with putting him on any drugs. I lost my mom to doctors and drugs, I am struggling here in a way I have never struggled. I thought dealing with my mom was hard for all those years...this is way worse as I am in charge of all decisions...my mom was grown and to a certain extent, was in charge of hers...both very difficult situations. Traveling gave me a break from the gloom I feel I am back into. The rut of being isolated with no local friends to care or family to help. It is night time, always scarier for me for some reason...I am scared, I am scared to put him on the sulpha drug, but I am equally scared not to. He is 11 and STILL only 44 lbs...I need HELP! I did get some and we are working on things..but his last swim caused back pain. I need to make him rest more I think-less advil (hard on kidney's and I am concerned about my kidney dream where he walks up to me and says, mommy, my kidneys are failing' I see that as a warning. So I am ultra-scared of drugs...scary time right now. Want my boy running and playing and happy and STRONG and NOT in PAIN! Lord, I BEG you, please hear my fears and help me. I am truly scared..